“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.”
“Computers will never take the place of books. You can’t stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.”
“An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.”
“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do?Turn out the lights!”
“I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.”
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
“When your dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.”
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. “
“It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.”
“Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills. Making the last car payment.”
“They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer.If it makes a mistake,it blames another computer.”
“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.But not in that order”
“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.”
“Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson’s wallet.”
“When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”.If the bus came would I be standing here?”
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”
“There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.”
“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”
“Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished. “
“Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.”
“Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. “
“We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse.”
“It’s always darkest before dawn So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. “
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. “
“If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?”
“You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark? “
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination,dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Love and maths
when maths teacher writes love letter
My Dear SweetHeart,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
My Dear SweetHeart,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Software engineer’s log
Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife – would you like to have some snacks?
Husband – hard disk full.
Wife – have you brought the saree.
Husband – Bad command or file name.
Wife – but I told you about it in morning
Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife – hae bhagwan !forget it where’s your salary.
Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife – at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband – sharing violation, access denied.
Wife – i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband – data type mismatch.
Wife – you are useless.
Husband – by default.
Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband – the only user with write permission.
Wife – what is my value in your life?
Husband – unknown virus detected.
Wife – do you love me or your computer?
Husband – Too many parameters.
Wife – i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife – I will leave you forever.
Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife – it is worthless talking to you.
Husband – shut down the computer.
Wife – I am going
Husband – Its now safe to turn off your computer
Wife – would you like to have some snacks?
Husband – hard disk full.
Wife – have you brought the saree.
Husband – Bad command or file name.
Wife – but I told you about it in morning
Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife – hae bhagwan !forget it where’s your salary.
Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife – at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband – sharing violation, access denied.
Wife – i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband – data type mismatch.
Wife – you are useless.
Husband – by default.
Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband – the only user with write permission.
Wife – what is my value in your life?
Husband – unknown virus detected.
Wife – do you love me or your computer?
Husband – Too many parameters.
Wife – i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife – I will leave you forever.
Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife – it is worthless talking to you.
Husband – shut down the computer.
Wife – I am going
Husband – Its now safe to turn off your computer
True Chemistry Lover
Naa ye CHEMISTRY hoti, na me STUDENT hota Na wo LAB hoti, na wo LOVE ACCIDENT hota
Tabhi PRACTICAL ke waqt nazar aayi ek ladki khubsurat si naak uski TEST TUBE jaisi
Uski baaton me GLUCOSE ki mithas thi ETHYL ALCOHOL si thandi uski saans thi
Andhere me wo RADIUM ki tarah chamakti thi jab aankh mili to REACTION hua, love ka PRODUCTION hua!
Fir to lagne lage uske ghar ke chakkar aise, NUCLEUS ke charo aur ELECTRON jaise
Jis din TEST ka PERFECTION tha us din uske pitaji se hamara INTRODUCTION tha
Mano IGNITION TUBE se SODIUM ke piece nikal pade wo bole hosh me aao, pehchano apni aukat IRON kabhi mil nahi sakta GOLD ke saath!
Is tarah tod diya unhone hamare armano ka BEAKER hum chup hi reh gaye BENJALDEHYDE ka ghoont pikar.
Ab unki yado ke bina hamara kaam chalta nahi hain zindagi ho gayi ab UNSATURATED CARBON ki tarah, bekar ghumte ab hum awaara HYDROGEN ki tarah.
Tabhi PRACTICAL ke waqt nazar aayi ek ladki khubsurat si naak uski TEST TUBE jaisi
Uski baaton me GLUCOSE ki mithas thi ETHYL ALCOHOL si thandi uski saans thi
Andhere me wo RADIUM ki tarah chamakti thi jab aankh mili to REACTION hua, love ka PRODUCTION hua!
Fir to lagne lage uske ghar ke chakkar aise, NUCLEUS ke charo aur ELECTRON jaise
Jis din TEST ka PERFECTION tha us din uske pitaji se hamara INTRODUCTION tha
Mano IGNITION TUBE se SODIUM ke piece nikal pade wo bole hosh me aao, pehchano apni aukat IRON kabhi mil nahi sakta GOLD ke saath!
Is tarah tod diya unhone hamare armano ka BEAKER hum chup hi reh gaye BENJALDEHYDE ka ghoont pikar.
Ab unki yado ke bina hamara kaam chalta nahi hain zindagi ho gayi ab UNSATURATED CARBON ki tarah, bekar ghumte ab hum awaara HYDROGEN ki tarah.
Where you are ?
If you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right
- you are in Kolkata.
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on
– that’s Mumbai.
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up
- that’s Delhi.
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall
- that’s Ahmadabad.
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program.
- that s Bangalore.
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says “Anna, don’t fight for all this nonsense”. Peace comes in
- that’s Chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
- you are in Hyderabad.
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting.,third guys comes try to stop them and get involved and call others too to stop, finally stop them,
- you r in Rajasthan.
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. Some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in
- thiruvananthapuram, the city of Kerala …
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right
- you are in Kolkata.
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on
– that’s Mumbai.
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up
- that’s Delhi.
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall
- that’s Ahmadabad.
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program.
- that s Bangalore.
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says “Anna, don’t fight for all this nonsense”. Peace comes in
- that’s Chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
- you are in Hyderabad.
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting.,third guys comes try to stop them and get involved and call others too to stop, finally stop them,
- you r in Rajasthan.
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. Some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in
- thiruvananthapuram, the city of Kerala …
SOME THING ABOUT GIRLS
If you treat her nice she says”Yaar mujhe line de raha hai”.
If you dont she says “Kitna akadta hai”.
**********
If you dress nicely she says “Mujhay impress karna chahta hai”.
If you dont she says “Tasteless hai yaar”.
**********
If you argue with her she says “Ziddi hai”.
If you sit quietly she says “Dumb hai”.
**********
If you act smarter she’ll lose her brain as you are insulting her.
If she acts smarter she think its her right.
**********
If you dont love her she says “Is ka to pehlay say hi 2,3 ladkioon ke saath chakar hai”.
If you love her she says “Peechay hi pad gayaa hai”.
**********
If you dont give her a kiss she says “Tum mujh say serious naheen ho”.
If you give her a kiss she says “Yaar woh ladkaa flirt kar raha hai”.
**********
If you dont tell her your problems she says “You are not honest to me”.
If you do tell to her she says “You are a problem child”.
**********
If you scold her she says “You act like a grandpa giving lecture”.
If she scolds you she says “Yaar, its because i care”.
**********
If you break a promise she says “He does not trust you any more”.
If she breaks she says “Jaan main majboor thi”
**********
If you smoke she says “You are a bad guy”.
If she smokes she says “I need this, please jaanu try to understand”.
**********
If you do good in exams she says “Kismat ne saath diya warna tum or good marks”.
If she gets good marks she says “Its my brain”.
**********
If you hurt her she says “You are cruel & dont care of my feelings”.
If she hurts you she replies” You are not understanding”.
If you dont she says “Kitna akadta hai”.
**********
If you dress nicely she says “Mujhay impress karna chahta hai”.
If you dont she says “Tasteless hai yaar”.
**********
If you argue with her she says “Ziddi hai”.
If you sit quietly she says “Dumb hai”.
**********
If you act smarter she’ll lose her brain as you are insulting her.
If she acts smarter she think its her right.
**********
If you dont love her she says “Is ka to pehlay say hi 2,3 ladkioon ke saath chakar hai”.
If you love her she says “Peechay hi pad gayaa hai”.
**********
If you dont give her a kiss she says “Tum mujh say serious naheen ho”.
If you give her a kiss she says “Yaar woh ladkaa flirt kar raha hai”.
**********
If you dont tell her your problems she says “You are not honest to me”.
If you do tell to her she says “You are a problem child”.
**********
If you scold her she says “You act like a grandpa giving lecture”.
If she scolds you she says “Yaar, its because i care”.
**********
If you break a promise she says “He does not trust you any more”.
If she breaks she says “Jaan main majboor thi”
**********
If you smoke she says “You are a bad guy”.
If she smokes she says “I need this, please jaanu try to understand”.
**********
If you do good in exams she says “Kismat ne saath diya warna tum or good marks”.
If she gets good marks she says “Its my brain”.
**********
If you hurt her she says “You are cruel & dont care of my feelings”.
If she hurts you she replies” You are not understanding”.
How to kill your mother in law
A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn’t get along with her mother-in-law at all.
Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law’s habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.
But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li’s poor husband! D great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law’s bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father’s good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.
She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, “Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.”
Li-Li said, “Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.”Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, “You can’t use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.
Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. “Don’t argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.” Li-Li was so happy.
She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn’t had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law’s attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.
Li-Li’s husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, “Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She’s changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.”
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. “Li-Li, there’s nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.”
HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: “The person who loves others will also be loved in return.” God might be trying to work in another person’s life through you. Send this to your friends and spread the POWER OF LOVE.
Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law’s habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.
But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li’s poor husband! D great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law’s bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father’s good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.
She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, “Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.”
Li-Li said, “Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.”Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, “You can’t use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.
Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. “Don’t argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.” Li-Li was so happy.
She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn’t had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law’s attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.
Li-Li’s husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, “Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She’s changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.”
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. “Li-Li, there’s nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.”
HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: “The person who loves others will also be loved in return.” God might be trying to work in another person’s life through you. Send this to your friends and spread the POWER OF LOVE.
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